They forgot to tell me that people would ask my husband about his job,
and me about the kids,
forgot to tell me that the company for which I work
will have more rights that I will,
forgot to tell me that my body will be up for debate in
political circles, internet forums, the comment sections
by people who cannot name the parts of woman
that make a child,
but will tell you the cells inside a womb
are more important than those around them.
They didn’t mention that if I tried to be
a career woman and a mother
that people would ask how?
That trying to have it all
would earn criticism
instead of praise.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
I am going to be a woman,
but I’d like to be a human, too.
Explaining your mental illness to others is a tough balancing act. You want them to believe you, but you also don’t want them to start treating you as subhuman because of it.
I wish it didn’t have to be like that.
ADVICE FOR FUTURE ME
REMEMBER THIS MOMENT.
AND KNOW THAT EVEN WHEN HE COMES CRAWLING BACK.
(AND HE WILL COME CRAWLING BACK.)
BE IT TOMORROW, NEXT WEEK, OR NEXT MONTH.
THAT YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE.
DELIVER THAT BITCH LOOK THAT HE ALWAYS ACCUSED YOU OF ANYWAY.
AND JUST TURN AROUND A WALK AWAY.
one day i’ll think i know the secrets of the world, but i’ll really only know the secrets of the people that have decided to share them with me. i’ll know who he lost his virginity to, what she did to make her mother scream and cry, what those two really did that day they skipped their lecture. i’ll know many things about many things, but i won’t know a fucking thing about the world.
i’ll know that names of countries people’ve never heard of, and who ruled them and for how long. i’ll know how many people still die from diseases like cholera and polio each year. i’ll know how many children in africa don’t have homes, and how many homes in america don’t have children. i’ll know that countries go to war, and countries go to peace treaties. i’ll know that humans are fragile, but it takes a lot to break them.
i’ll know that a kind word is better than a harsh one, but a harsh one has more of a lasting impact than a kind one. i’ll know that the next generation will have more shit to deal with than mine, but maybe they’ll have better ways of dealing with it than we ever thought to think of. i’ll know that it won’t be long before something changes—for better or for worse.
i won’t know why the world is so fucked up. i won’t understand why we’re even here, why mother nature or god or fucking zeus created humans, and why they created humans with so many flaws and fatal issues. i won’t know why duct tape doesn’t work on everything, or why a broken heart needs a little more than red lipstick and “FUCK YOU” screamed at the top of my lungs. i won’t know why sometimes that song puts a smile on my face, and other times it makes me chuck my phone across the room and cry. i won’t know why i dedicate myself to people and expect the same in return. i won’t know why she broke up with me, or why he left, or why you are still reading this.
if you are, know this: perfection is state of mind, and it’s a sick, twisted one. if someone thinks they are perfect, they think they are better. if they think they are better, they think they are entitled. if they think they are entitled, they think that nothing can stop them and that nothing will keep them from doing what they want. people love to feel perfect, they love to feel better, and they love to feel entitled. that’s another thing i won’t ever understand.
one day i’ll look over my shoulder at the timeline of my life, and i’ll see ink blots. some things will be clouded over, some things will be crystal clear, some things won’t be there anymore. i won’t know why, but i will know that trying to figure it out is pointless.
You lose yourself eventually
Have you ever lost yourself in the process of loving someone else? One day you go to sleep as a complete person, and the next you wake up with a fragmented sense of who you are without your other half. You love someone so much that you forget that you are special too. With or without them.
I know lots of relationships that usually turn out like.. Meeting someone. Become great friends. Like each other a lot. Spend less time with other friends. Spend less time in prayer. Fall in love. Stop doing their usual past time. Stop noticing the way that cute older couple at Starbucks shares their coffee. Develop a warped sense of security. Start fighting over stupid things. Stop loving themselves. Let their light be covered by someone else’s shadow.
I know what love should look like. Love is kindness, gratitude and sincerity. Love illuminates your life and elevates your soul to new levels. Love increases your heart’s capacity to appreciate all the beautiful things God has given you. Love serves others. Love speaks words of patience and inspires transformation.
My love always seems to crash mid-flight and I don’t know what that says about me. In some ways, I don’t know how to stop being the insecure girl who strangles me when she wants someone to like her. To love her. To tell her she’s beautiful. I don’t know how to not be that girl who falls in love and says, I’ll be whatever you want me to be for you. I don’t know how to allow myself to fall for someone without reverting back to the insecure girl I used to be.
Sometimes, I’m scared when I think about the future. I need to believe that love can last. I need to believe that I can love someone without losing parts of my heart. I need to believe that I can trust someone to not wake up one morning and change his mind about me. I need to believe that I am capable of finding love, real love, and keeping it.
Dear Future TEEN Daughter(s)…
So (s)he broke up with you huh? Don’t worry, I’m here for you.
Guy/girls can suck. Especially teenage boy/girls, but don’t worry! Your one is out there! It may feel like the end of the world, but it’s definitely not. You’re a teen and you have the whole rest of your life to look forward to.
The best thing I can tell you is to calm down and take everything slow. I know when your in a new relationship everything is fantastic, but fairy tales don’t actually happen the same way they do in movies or romance novels. That may sound cliche and like I’m saying it only because I’m your parent, but I know what your going through and more. Remember, I teenager too!
Just remember your parents and siblings are here for you. Your prince charming/lovely damsel is on his/her way! (S)He just took the giant tortoise instead of the stallion… (S)He had a dumb moment but don’t worry! (S)He’s learning quite a bit of awesome stuff on his/her way here! (S)He’s coming, don’t worry!
BTW: You better appreciate this because having to write in a way that applies to whatever you’re lifestyle is, is kind of hard. But you do you girl! I don’t care <3
P.S. I know you won’t take this for a grain of rice though, but I still love you.